Eggshells Unbroken

the day I came home and turned on the light

to those who did not treat me well and, for some reason, wondered why I left:

it is because I remembered that I loved myself more than I loved the idea of an “us”

it is because I remembered I was worth more than you could ever give

it is because I realized I did not need you

because I had me

the day I came home and turned the light on

Heart Talk by Cleo Wade

August 2005, Mola Vista.  Our first night in the city.  The apartment was tiny.  But just enough for the 6 of us.   A temporary stay while our house was being renovated a couple miles away.   Just the 5 younger kids and myself living here M-F going to their respective schools.  The house in the country was still on the market and the 2 oldest kids continued living there with their dad (then husband).

For the first time since 1987, I slept soundly.  Quietness.  All were  soundly asleep.  Having the bed all to myself,  I knew something needed to change…just not sure who, what, where and  how at that time ….therapist..the word settled in my thoughts as I drifted to sleep…

…get a therapist.  Me only.  Not him and me.  Just me.

 

 

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Ten Years Ago

I celebrate today, June 5, 2018.

Ten years ago today was the pivotal event that sealed my family’s fate.  We never looked back.  I never looked back.

June 5, 2008.  Ten years ago I served my ex with divorce papers and 6 temporary restraining orders.  Waiting for his return from the Philippines, I had my brother, the court processor, 2 hired security guards, and 2 active duty Sheriffs with me.  All had firearms…

Future writings will go into greater detail of what we went thru.  Tonight, it is all about Gratitude.

I am grateful for the courage all 8 of us had to leave and remove ourselves from a very dangerous person who hurt us physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually.  That night once the court papers and TROS were handed to him, we knew that door was closed, never to be opened again.   We learned to trust in the process that somehow we would make it thru these difficult and scary times.  Ten years later… we are on the other side.  We have made it thru to the other side.

Yes.  We have bruises.  Yes.  We have battle scars.  I know we have much inner work to do…that goes without question.  Yet, we have earned our badges of resilience, bravery, courage, trust, fortitude…and continue to do so…We have moved from surviving to thriving.

Thank you God, the Universe,  for keeping us safe.  Thank you for giving us what we needed, when we needed it.   Money was tight.  However, money came  when we needed it.    I am grateful that many people who I consider Guardian Angels came into our lives when we needed guidance and advice.  They held our our hands and lifted our spirits when we had none left.  They were our cheerleaders.  They were the switch that turned on the light when we only saw darkness.  I need to pause.

….enveloped in love and just….love…I am protected.  I am safe.  I am free.  I am empowered.  My kids are protected.  They are safe.  They are free.  They are empowered.

We are on the other side.  We are on the other side.  Wow!  Wow!  Wow!   Here’s to another 10 x 10 years of always moving forward and never looking back…

Faces in a Crowd

For the Weekly Photo Challenge A Face in the Crowd pictures of people rocking out to 80’s  decade music in a dimly lit club seemed aligned with this theme.  Recognizable faces are those that came with you…my friend and I.  The “others” just share the dance floor.   Turning down the lights and loud music amps uninhibited dance moves without judgment from self..and most others.  For those that come alone…that drink in hand will keep as a solid recognizable companion…

Valentine

This year I don’t have a romantic partner.  There.  I said it.  The elephant in the room.

Bemoaning my relationship status……

After much lamentation, I decided to do a search on “things to do as a single person”.   I read fun, upbeat, and self-care ideas to make me feel loved today and that will sustain me through the weekend…and beyond:

25 Things to Do On Valentine’s Day

27 Lovely Ways to Spend Valentine’s Day

7 Things To Do On Valentine’s Day

How To Spend Valentine’s Day

14 Ways To Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Earlier I used words like “bemoan” and “lament”.  I acknowledge my pre and present Valentine angst.  It is SO VISIBLE.  So HALLMARK.  It tells me that I am not special to “someone”, who puts me above all else in his heart and has made a commitment to grow old with me and believes in us as a couple, as lovers, as friends, as partners…and yes, that hurts.  Yes, a hurt where that deep ache catches my unguarded self.

With that acknowledgement, I can choose to acknowledge the relationships I have that bring me joy.  These are relationships with each of my children, my best girlfriends, my select group of guy friends, and friends that are married couples.  I already have a smile on my face as I type this!

This day shall pass.  Who knows what my relationship status will be next year.  Today, I choose not to bash all the couple things I see around me, but rather celebrate those acts of love.  I will work on counteracting thoughts of “I am not worthy of being in a healthy relationship”; “why them and not me?”, etc.  with honoring myself who is worthy of deserving healthy love.  I choose to be mindful of negativity and to stand clear of negative comments from others and from my own negatives thoughts.  I’m thinking of Neo in The Matrix as he deflects the bullets.  Outward loving begins with internally loving oneself.  I matter.  You matter.

I love/hate Valentine’s Day.  However, I will embrace the acts of love I see around me.  I will give acts of love, kindness and compassion.  I will celebrate my current relationship status of being single.  I will be “A Bad Ass Single Woman”.  I will embrace that!  XO

 

I Am

I am a Human Being with a Soul.   I am Female.

I am The Baby Boomer Generation in the very end of the 1950’s.  I will turn Sixty…soon.

I have learned the internalization of practicing gratitude.  I work hard to affirm myself and feed my Spirit.  I work to seek internal validation.  I make space in my life to love the person God created me to be and to love others for whom God created them to be.

I have worked very hard these past 10 years to love myself; to forgive myself; to be selfish; to honor myself; to be courageous and spirited; to laugh again and be playful; to be an authentic parent, a single parent; to honor and embrace all my emotions; to be resourceful; to practice mindfulness; to be daring; to rely on others; to have women and men friends who are fiercely loyal.  I am the definition of “It Takes A Village”.

I know defeat, abandonment, betrayal, depression, isolation, victimization.    I AM BRAVE.  I AM RESILIENT.

Brooklyn Bridge.  DUMBO. Picture taken by me, October 2017