The morning mist held the bridge captive. My running slowed as my eyes settled on the jacket. It hung limply over the rail. A crumpled piece of paper was sticking halfway out of its pocket. Footless shoes and an unzipped backpack had been shoved sideways to the barrier. I looked over the railing and the waters below seemed deathly still.
My hand was shaking as I reached for the paper, not sure if it was due to the pounding of my heart or the reality of my suspicions. It was a letter from an Ivy League College of rejection.
2008….these were the songs that carried me thru the latter part of that year. To be exact, June 5, 2008 thru March 8, 2009. But most intensely from June 5- July 31, 2008. June 5 was when I served my Ex with divorce papers and a TRO. To this day, my heart weighs heavy and tears form and all the feelings, fears I felt and empowerment and being in a safe place jumble up into one big AH HAAA…AND I know that I have never turned back never regretted my decision and continue to move forward. It took me 20 years too long to figure out what I needed to do and a fist, his fist breaking the windshield of our minivan with all the kids inside to finalize the deal..I never felt I had voice. I never believed that I could be heard. I never realized that I could be listened to. But all of that is a lie . I have a voice and I am important and I am a viable human being that is worthy of being heard. The biggest hurdle was finance. This one of the areas of my marriage which was completely taken away from me. I was told that even though I was a “professional” I would never be able to bring in the money like he did. “No matter how hard, I will be fine without you. It will get better in time”. Time has moved on and my family and I do struggle financially, but the benefits outweigh what we had been used to. Walking one egg shells every day stripped of our self esteem vs Peace of Mind, happiness, empowerment, surviving with little funds. Lastly, to really , I mean REALLY know that all you had to rely on was FAITH. That somehow Dammit! You are going to get thru this. You will get thru this because your kids are relying on you to get thru this. Yes, I felt alone, but not in the sense of feeling isolated. Alone, but God with me. A higher power. He was and still is this spirit being that continues to be there. He is the one that has my back. These songs are the rock during that time and hearing them brings me back to a time that was scary, ominous , bigger than me, yet something I have no regrets.
Listen (Song from Dreamgirls) Beyonce “The time has come for my dreams to be heard and they won’t be pushed aside because you won’t listen”
Better in Time Leona Lewis ” no matter how hard this is I will be fine without you it will all get better in time”
Never Alone Jim Brickman (feat Hillary Scott & Lady Antebellum) “when hard times have found you and your fears surround you wrap my love around you you’re never alone”
Twenty minutes and start! Funny how I have “so” many things to write about but when it comes to me sitting down pen on paper, or in this case keyboard on computer, my mind goes blank. Oh well, this is 20 minutes of random thoughts. Cool.
The boys just came home from school. Being the teens they are, there is a tie for the first pit stop: the pantry and the refrigerator. I am weight challenged and that means I am watching what I eat. Sometimes I feel like I watch everything I put in my mouth. Ha! When the kids are home temptation is great because of all the snacks that find their way out of their hiding places.
Well, right now as I write there is a bag of Lays potato chips staring me in the face. The cereal boxes come out. Bowls come out. The cereal gets poured and milk follows. I have two teenage boys sitting in the dinner table discussing how school went and what homework is due in between “snap, crackle, & pop”! Then the question of the day, “What’s for dinner?”.
“Salad and pasta,” I answer my hand reaching for the bag of chips. Their stomachs satisfied. They disappear into the computer room to begin their school assignments….well…maybe with a detour of FIFA on the Playstation. But…it’s Monday night football, so I think they’ll get a jump on their homework!
I have to separate myself from the bag of chips! It is now back in the pantry.
Time’s up! Til the next assignment.