Eggshells Unbroken

the day I came home and turned on the light

to those who did not treat me well and, for some reason, wondered why I left:

it is because I remembered that I loved myself more than I loved the idea of an “us”

it is because I remembered I was worth more than you could ever give

it is because I realized I did not need you

because I had me

the day I came home and turned the light on

Heart Talk by Cleo Wade

August 2005, Mola Vista.  Our first night in the city.  The apartment was tiny.  But just enough for the 6 of us.   A temporary stay while our house was being renovated a couple miles away.   Just the 5 younger kids and myself living here M-F going to their respective schools.  The house in the country was still on the market and the 2 oldest kids continued living there with their dad (then husband).

For the first time since 1987, I slept soundly.  Quietness.  All were  soundly asleep.  Having the bed all to myself,  I knew something needed to change…just not sure who, what, where and  how at that time ….therapist..the word settled in my thoughts as I drifted to sleep…

…get a therapist.  Me only.  Not him and me.  Just me.



Ten Years Ago

I celebrate today, June 5, 2018.

Ten years ago today was the pivotal event that sealed my family’s fate.  We never looked back.  I never looked back.

June 5, 2008.  Ten years ago I served my ex with divorce papers and 6 temporary restraining orders.  Waiting for his return from the Philippines, I had my brother, the court processor, 2 hired security guards, and 2 active duty Sheriffs with me.  All had firearms…

Future writings will go into greater detail of what we went thru.  Tonight, it is all about Gratitude.

I am grateful for the courage all 8 of us had to leave and remove ourselves from a very dangerous person who hurt us physically, verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially and spiritually.  That night once the court papers and TROS were handed to him, we knew that door was closed, never to be opened again.   We learned to trust in the process that somehow we would make it thru these difficult and scary times.  Ten years later… we are on the other side.  We have made it thru to the other side.

Yes.  We have bruises.  Yes.  We have battle scars.  I know we have much inner work to do…that goes without question.  Yet, we have earned our badges of resilience, bravery, courage, trust, fortitude…and continue to do so…We have moved from surviving to thriving.

Thank you God, the Universe,  for keeping us safe.  Thank you for giving us what we needed, when we needed it.   Money was tight.  However, money came  when we needed it.    I am grateful that many people who I consider Guardian Angels came into our lives when we needed guidance and advice.  They held our our hands and lifted our spirits when we had none left.  They were our cheerleaders.  They were the switch that turned on the light when we only saw darkness.  I need to pause.

….enveloped in love and just….love…I am protected.  I am safe.  I am free.  I am empowered.  My kids are protected.  They are safe.  They are free.  They are empowered.

We are on the other side.  We are on the other side.  Wow!  Wow!  Wow!   Here’s to another 10 x 10 years of always moving forward and never looking back…

That Time in 2008

2008….these were the songs that carried me thru the latter part of that year.  To be exact, June 5, 2008 thru March 8, 2009.  But most intensely from June 5- July 31, 2008.  June 5 was when I served my Ex with divorce papers and a TRO.  To this day, my heart weighs heavy and tears form and all the feelings, fears I felt and empowerment and being in a safe place jumble up into one big AH HAAA…AND I know that I have never turned back never regretted my decision and continue to move forward. It took me 20 years too long to figure out what I needed to do and a fist, his fist breaking the windshield of our minivan with all the kids inside to finalize the deal..I never felt I had  voice.  I never believed that I could be heard.  I never realized that I could be listened to.  But all of that is a lie .  I have a voice and I am important and I am a viable human being that is worthy of being heard.  The biggest hurdle was finance.  This one of the areas of my marriage which was completely taken away from me.  I was told that even though I was a “professional” I would never be able to bring in the money like he did.  “No matter how hard, I will be fine without you.  It will get better in time”.  Time has moved on and my family and I do struggle financially, but the benefits outweigh what we had been used to.  Walking one egg shells every day stripped of our self esteem vs Peace of Mind, happiness, empowerment, surviving with little funds.  Lastly, to really , I mean REALLY know that all you had to rely on was FAITH.  That somehow Dammit!  You are going to get thru this.  You will get thru this because your kids are relying on you to get thru this.  Yes, I felt alone, but not in the sense of feeling isolated.  Alone, but God with me.  A higher power.  He was and still is this spirit being that continues to be there.  He is the one that has my back.  These songs are the rock during that time and hearing them brings me back to a time that was scary, ominous , bigger than me, yet something I have no regrets.

Listen (Song from Dreamgirls) Beyonce “The time has come for my dreams to be heard and they won’t be pushed aside because you won’t listen”

Better in Time Leona Lewis ” no matter how hard this is I will be fine without you it will all get better in time”

Never Alone Jim Brickman (feat Hillary Scott & Lady Antebellum) “when hard times have found you and your fears surround you wrap my love around you you’re never alone”